Forcing myself to love me

You’re born crying, you’ll also die the same way…

You’re born to cry.

Everything is made to be broken…even your heart…

You always wake up alone. Even if you’ll find someone to be with that day, at the end of the day, you still end up being alone. Then you’ll wake up the same way…

I have no choice but to love myself, because if I don’t…nobody will.

I hate to love myself. This is F-ing BS.

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Move me

It has been a long while since I’ve last posted here on my blogsite. But here I am now, struggling to escape this bubble. I really want to try living outside this bubble. Well here’s how I struggle…

After rendering few months of employment, I finally entered the business industry — multilevel marketing. I’ve taken risk just to reach my dreams. Once I dream, I make it big. I am so ambitious, because for me “libre lang mangarap, kaya taasan mo na”. But as I travel along the path of networking, my dream(s) became simple: To help those who’ve helped me. It’s given that once my group gone wide, I will get all my dreams (houses and lots, cars, gadgets, and all the luxuries that you can think of). For me, it would be more fulfilling if I see my downlines get their dreams.

It was a long break since my last cycle; when I last got my first check. I was invited to join a different company that offered our group some of the things that we need, e.g. financial support and the like. Being there has been a relief. In that company, we’re provided all the needs, unlike in IVP we don’t. In that company, I have an upline who cares and supports me, unlike in IVP there’s none (…kinda). That time, I was trying to compare which company would be more beneficial for our group. There’s something fishy with the offer from that company so I started to think of returning to IVP.

Let me compare…

In that company, we’re given three heads or three accounts for free (no cash out, all expense paid). While in IVP, we’ve paid for just one account. The problem is, only leaders are given those free accounts. How about my downlines? They will pay more than what they should invest on IVP and get only one account. That would be unfair on their part. I’ll be earning more than what they can earn and that wouldn’t help them at all.

System wise, matrix is better than trinary or binary. Product wise, that company has more products. In terms of stability, I can say, both company has been proven. For the compensation plan, IVP gives better compensation and benefits so far. Furthermore, I’ve seen my future when I was doing IVP, not with the other company. Therefore, I chose IVP for the whole group. I named the group “INFINITI”. Since the other group who transferred to that other company is also named “infinity”, I absorbed that name for my group. No worries, it is legal since that group has been dissolved. We changed the spelling so that the group’s name would entail a brand of a car “INFINITI”.

Now that we’re done with the name, first I made a plan for the whole group that would SURELY make our business more profitable, at the same time, will build the spirit of our team. But still, it’s a group effort. I can’t make this alone! This is for the whole group. Too bad, we still can’t start making this plan work unless we are already complete.  The plan is all set, all we need to do is to work it out.

How do I go about convincing them to do this with me? How do I let them know that this would be more beneficial for them and not for me? Actually, I can do it if they give me a chance to speak before them. But it’s IMPOSSIBLE to let them realize the truth since they don’t want to hear it from me.

Now I’m planning to let go of them and look for another person to help. But it’s hard for me to do that. I still want to help them first because they are the people who first believed in me. I really appreciated the trust that they gave me. It was out of love that I keep on holding on for them.

Rejection hurts.

Right now I’m confused of what to do. I’m working alone. My downlines are my only strength. But now they’re diverging away from me. I’m getting weak. I can’t stand alone now.

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Since I don’t have an upline (figuratively), I’ll just think that I’ll start back at zero. I’ll go back to start. I’m working alone,  no one is helping me. I myself helps me. I’ll build my own NEW network. I’ll show them that they made a wrong choice when they rejected me. Would that be harsh?

I told one of my downlines “hindi ako marunong magalit, pero marunong ako magtampo”. I seldom — closest to never — get angry. But all of us has limitations, I’m also a human even if I don’t look like one. When I’m pushed to my limit, you won’t hear anything from me, tampo na’ko.

OMG! It’s already 3am on the dot and I’m getting sleepy. Too bad I can’t finish my whole story. It’s getting crazy here in this place because I can here something creepy, seems like someone’s whispering in my ears and the air around me is getting cold. Maybe I’m just imagining things. I’d better sleep now. G’nytz! Have a good one!

so highschool v.1.2.0

So many times that i’m alone
Only myself is like my home.
Like the stillness of my life be,
I‘m like a person that don’t breathe.
Time cannot heal this broken soul
Under my skin
beneath down low.
Doing things all just by myself
Everything’s done without your help!

-SOLITUDE

This poem was made during my Religion class in HS. I was bored that time. When my teacher asked what am i writing, i said “Sir, everything that you are talking about”. I was then a good liar.

so high school v1.0.0

i tried to smile
but my heart keeps crying,
i think for a while
but my mind’s not working

I tried to show that i’m strong
but deep inside i’m weak,
i thoght life is just a song
but now that song is just a trick

i tried to live my life
but my life is not worth living
if  you’re not here at my side
my world ceases moving

when you go away
something will be missing
it’s like i’m writing
with no trace of feeling

i pretend that i don’t feel something
something like loving you
i’m so stupid of not showing anything
because, now, it’s too late to love you

if you leave me now
my heart will break into pieces
i hope you realize it somehow
because my love for you never ceases

if you’re not the one whom i deserve
and your love is not for me,
even though i don’t have the nerve
i’d strive harder to prove that i should be.

A saved poem back when i was on HS. Not to mention that my mom burned tons of them. Errrrr…So highschool

Ramvil Farmville

Haha. Just having a pun with her name.

PST.

Studies.

Colleagues.

Training.

QIK.

Ramvil?

I thought it was unfair. Being awake for 2 weeks; no sleep each day and each night. Go to school and study in the morning till night, work in the evening up to morning next day… That was the redundant repetitive story of my life then.

As a political science student, justice is a big thing for me. If i focus more on work i will neglect studies: if i focus more on studies, i will neglect work. I really don’t know what to choose, but the general statement resounds in my head that “I chose two gods and I must serve both gods equally”. It is really hard to balance my studies and work. But whatever i do, i always feel like i’m playing. I really can’t be serious…

But then I had this girl who is a kind-stern-hearted person who used to be my trainer. She’s so good and mean. I don’t know what should be the exact word to define her but i know that i follow all of her orders. Power. She has the power over me and i don’t know why i am so compelled to follow. Everything she says, i believe. Even if it’s a joke, i take it seriously.

The funny thing about her is that I find her cute whenever she’s mad. But as time goes by, it hurts me more when she reprimands me. It started when i accidentally broke her I.D. ridge. It’s not my fault that it just happened that it is not that durable.

Last week of training. It was our nesting. I got a commendation from one of the customers. The sad part, it is very un-commendable. I made a very stupid mistake in reissuing his reservation. And here comes my favorite part, she scolded me again. (T_T). OMG, she is so cccuuuuttteee, i can still remember her face. Moving on, i tried to play with my calls. I was unaware that she is listening to my call — as usual– she did it again.

Bakit ba favorite niya akong pagalitan?

The last night of nesting, she texted me, she told me something sweet (ayiiee). She explained why she always gets mad at me. Of course i will not tell the reason in this post.

Just a little clue, according to her one time,  i resemble his ex-bf.

-fin-

unprotected

today, aug 14 2010, by the power i invested to myself, i declare that all of my posts will be open to public.

gees. no more passwords in some selected post.

no more secrets.

Christmas + New Year Party

Okay! Ive been drunk…but   a little. It has been so much fun, but the little thought that someone will go and leave me makes me feel so sad. So i tried to forget: I get drunk drunk drunk, dance dance dance, and sing sing sing. Haha.

50% happy + 50% sad = No Reaction At All!!!

Here’s the photo montage of our christmas party…

and another photo montage of our new year party…

…mind you, i didn’t get drunk.

everything dead

I’ve proven my theory. So now it’s true that nothing in this world is permanent; even love, friendship, life, etc. will all be gone. Some say that people don’t actually go, they just change their roles. I think it’s just a “pampalubag-loob” and it doesn’t really states a fact. They figuratively go and leave you behind forever. Sometimes they also literally go. They die… Die within us.

The sad thing is, my promise is dying…or already dead. I had this stupid promise to keep my wordpress account alive. But now, it takes time before i open it; it takes time before i compose another blog.

However, if you lose some; you win some. If you win some; you lose some. I may don’t have weekly posts, i have something special in return. If blogging brings happiness to me, this “someone” brings euphoria. The sad part? we are still not accepted by everyone, especially our family.

OMG!!!This post is a crap…haha…I really can’t focus into this because there are so many distractions round me right now. In a nutshell, this blog’s topic is no really for something dying. Moreover, This blog will be edited again. I will publish it though.

50 questions: unfinishe,d

1. Whole name?

– Cheriza Eve Santiago Nayal

Wow! Such a nice name…seriously, It’s so beautiful. 🙂

Che…it’s not your name that matters…it’s your personality.

2. Status?

– Single

Like me??? Hehe…

But i know you’ll have someone someday, which is not me — of course — that will be your better half.

3. Favorite color?

– Gray, because it reflects her personality

Light black or dark White? She answered, Light Black. Actually, i also like gray, because, for me, it’s the color of death. Light Black in my opinion, entails that in every darkness, there is light. I’m glad you chose that. I told you that my favorite color is brown. Brown because almost nobody likes brown. Brown doesn’t connotes anything for me but earth. I don’t think that earth is blue nor green, i think it’s brown. I don’t know, it’s just my own opinion.

4. Philosophy in life?

– Pass

Fine! If you won’t give any answer, neither do i! But i know you have one. You just don’t like to tell it OR you just can’t express it. Everyone has their own philosophy, it serves as their guide in living. I know you’re an emo, so perhaps your philosophy in life must be “life is pain”.  It’s painful for you because you think that nobody understands you;everyone misinterprets your actions. You know, nobody understands me too like the way you think about youself. You too don’t understand me the way i don’t understand you. But i tell you, I understand how it feels how to be not understood like you.

5. Define love.

– Unexplainable.

But still you can somehow defined it…Right? So it means that love is a noun for you, not a verb. That’s why you’re so afraid to express your feelings to someone because the way you define love is through abstraction. I don’t want to psychoanalyze you but i sort of done it. haha. Sorry.

6. What is the meaning of life?

Mahirap i-explain – still doesn’t discover the true meaning of it.

But you don’t mean that life iws meaningless, you mean that life has meaning but still not discovered. It is by living to know the real meaning of it. I don’t know the meaning of life, and so is its purpose.

7. Favorite flower?

– Pink rose

Why pink and why rose? Why pink rose? Maybe because it’s a mixture of white and red. White means purity and cleanliness of intentions and red for intenseness of the  burning fire of love…Put it together, too much love of a pure heart???

8. Favorite food?

Kahit ano

But you are not a cannibal, i guess. Even if you ate me up alive.

Jam said, your favorite is siomai…you don’t eat it, you “devour” it.

9. Hobbies?

– Eating, watching TV, self-seeking.

10. In what way do you want to be courted?

– The traditional way…better kung mag-compose ng songs and poems for her.

YOU ARE ASKING FOR TOO MUCH!!! Haha…just kidding. If i would court a girl, i will make a song for her, sing it in front of her even if i don’t have such a nice voice and i’m so much out of tune. I don’t care if she will laugh at me, i just want to make her feel happy.

11. How do you love?

Hindi pinapakita, but deep inside bigay todo.

I can’t imagine how is that.

12. Favorite songs?

– Stars – callalily, runaway – the corrs, i never loved you anyway – the corrs.

13. How many BF’s did you have?

– 2 flings + 1 semi-serious = 3 BF’s

Player ka pala eh!How i wish to be one of them.

14. Favorite place in the house?

– Bedroom.

15. Describe youself in 3 words.

– Simple, moody, pasaway.

Yes you’re simple and moody and SO MUCH pasaway!I think you’re not moody, because you said that whatever you said you will stand for it no matter what. But you said you can take back all the things that you have said. You are contradicting youself.

16. In what way do you want to die?

– No answer – afraid to die.

I pity you..Hehe…Joke…If i would die, i want to die because of someone. If someone let go of my life, i will commit suicide. I prefer death than living alone, or with somebody else, without that someone. I know you know why.

17. How does one make you happy?

– Just be honest to her.

Thanks, i’m one of your happiness.

18. How does one make you sad?

– Being fooled and pinapaasa.

Luckily, you found me. I won’t fool you.

19. How do you know that you’re in love?

Basta darating na lang sa buhay niya na sasabihin niya sa sarili niya na fallen na siya.

20. If you, your BFF and your BF are in an empty island, who would you kill for food?

– She’ll kill herself and bahala na lang sila magpatayan sa pagkain sa kanya.

I thought you’re afraid to die, why would you kill yourself? Don’t kill yourself, the three of you will also die. Your BFF and BF loves you, if you’re gone, they have no reason to live. They will also kill themselves. As an advice, kill your BF…I’m not being bitter, if your BF loves you, he will die for your own good. Anyway, killing youself is too impossible. Both of them will not let you.

21. What is your greatest fear?

– Failures.

So it means that you can’t accept failures? That’s life, Che, you don’t succeed all the time. Life is a game that one loses by not playing.

22. How many children do you want to have in the future?

– 4 children will be fine.

I can give you that…Haha…Peace man!

23. Have you experienced to love a stranger?

– Maybe.

24. Greatest achievement?

Maka-graduate.

25. Favorite Sport?

– Table tennis and Basketball.

26. Favorite subject?

– WALA!

Why? Because you don’t want to study?

27. BFF?

– WALA!

I hope It’s me.

28. Among all the senses, which one is the most important for you? Why?

– Eyes/sight – because truth can be seen through the eyes.

Life is a lie! Things doesn’t seem as they used to be. The first appearance decieves many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden. — from my english term paper

What I’m trying to say is that truth is often not seen. We don’t need to use our eyes to see that greatest truth. We just have to open our hearts and try to feel it. That’s why i chose the sense of touch.

29. If you will kiss me, where and why?

– Forehead – as a sign of respect.

Eeeewwww…Forehead? Can you please don’t respect me?

30. Favorite pet?

Wala – she hate animals.

31. Favorite number?

– 08 and 09

Something remarkable here is the zer0 before each number. Why is there a zer0 there? What is it for?

32. What are the characteristics of a person that attracts you?

– Brave, honest and has no vices.

Haha…You are just describing me.

33. Are you in-love right now? with whom?

– Maybe – Mark – 1st year Pol Sci.

Ouch! my heart was crushed.

34. Ano nagustuhan mo sa kanya?

– She don’t know – just realize that she likes him.

Ouch pa din.

35. In what way could she express her feelings to him?

– She’ll just wait for that guy to express first his feelings to her.

Ouch talaga!!!

36. Craziest thing you did?

– None.

Ows???

37. Will you take care of my heart?

– jjghyetdh – Such a weird answer.

Do I need to die? tell me?

38. Why do boys are not contented with one girl?

– *This is addressed to me*

Madaya, ako lang yung pwede sumagot nito.

39. If we will have a son, what name would you give?

– Mahirap mag-isip ng name lalo na pag rush.

I thought makaka-ganti na ako, hindi rin pala.

40.?????

– ?????

Why did you forget this question? What’s wrong with you?

41. Where would you want to be on your first date?

– Secret.

Haha…You said,”It’s for you to find out.” So you think i should date you? Yes I will, soon…

42. What is your weakness?

– Temptations and people pulling her down.

You can’t resist temptation, however, you resist me. Nakaka-tampo ka naman. i wish someday you’ll learn to say yes to me. Because everytime i talk to you, you always say no. Nevertheless, i’m the one who always understand your REASONS.

We decided to make the 50 questions a hundred. Then we decided to make it infinite.

Fed up?

I have been black. My heart, eyes, clothes, finger nails and everything. Everything black. It feels like i’ve been an emo-ish person — not an emo, but somewhat emo. Thus, i look dead.

I have been in a cold, dark place. My mind is filled with dark thoughts. Yes, i grieved. I grieved for the dying heart. I grieved for my sins. I grieved for someone leaving. And you? I want to let you out. But you stay in the coldest, darkest place on earth…In my heart.

I woke up everyday lonely, seeking for anyone that will ease the pain. I need this person. I need her. I need anything that will drown all the miseries that the universe has dumped on me.

*******

Too bad we can never be. I know you have a life on your own, and you don’t want to share it with stupid people just like me. I know you’ll be better off without me. You’ll be happy of my non-existence. I’m happy for you…even if I’m not part of that happiness.

Nothing i can do. GOODBYE.

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