Archive for looking through a mirror

so highschool v.1.2.0

So many times that i’m alone
Only myself is like my home.
Like the stillness of my life be,
I‘m like a person that don’t breathe.
Time cannot heal this broken soul
Under my skin
beneath down low.
Doing things all just by myself
Everything’s done without your help!

-SOLITUDE

This poem was made during my Religion class in HS. I was bored that time. When my teacher asked what am i writing, i said “Sir, everything that you are talking about”. I was then a good liar.

so high school v1.0.0

i tried to smile
but my heart keeps crying,
i think for a while
but my mind’s not working

I tried to show that i’m strong
but deep inside i’m weak,
i thoght life is just a song
but now that song is just a trick

i tried to live my life
but my life is not worth living
if  you’re not here at my side
my world ceases moving

when you go away
something will be missing
it’s like i’m writing
with no trace of feeling

i pretend that i don’t feel something
something like loving you
i’m so stupid of not showing anything
because, now, it’s too late to love you

if you leave me now
my heart will break into pieces
i hope you realize it somehow
because my love for you never ceases

if you’re not the one whom i deserve
and your love is not for me,
even though i don’t have the nerve
i’d strive harder to prove that i should be.

A saved poem back when i was on HS. Not to mention that my mom burned tons of them. Errrrr…So highschool

everything dead

I’ve proven my theory. So now it’s true that nothing in this world is permanent; even love, friendship, life, etc. will all be gone. Some say that people don’t actually go, they just change their roles. I think it’s just a “pampalubag-loob” and it doesn’t really states a fact. They figuratively go and leave you behind forever. Sometimes they also literally go. They die… Die within us.

The sad thing is, my promise is dying…or already dead. I had this stupid promise to keep my wordpress account alive. But now, it takes time before i open it; it takes time before i compose another blog.

However, if you lose some; you win some. If you win some; you lose some. I may don’t have weekly posts, i have something special in return. If blogging brings happiness to me, this “someone” brings euphoria. The sad part? we are still not accepted by everyone, especially our family.

OMG!!!This post is a crap…haha…I really can’t focus into this because there are so many distractions round me right now. In a nutshell, this blog’s topic is no really for something dying. Moreover, This blog will be edited again. I will publish it though.

Fed up?

I have been black. My heart, eyes, clothes, finger nails and everything. Everything black. It feels like i’ve been an emo-ish person — not an emo, but somewhat emo. Thus, i look dead.

I have been in a cold, dark place. My mind is filled with dark thoughts. Yes, i grieved. I grieved for the dying heart. I grieved for my sins. I grieved for someone leaving. And you? I want to let you out. But you stay in the coldest, darkest place on earth…In my heart.

I woke up everyday lonely, seeking for anyone that will ease the pain. I need this person. I need her. I need anything that will drown all the miseries that the universe has dumped on me.

*******

Too bad we can never be. I know you have a life on your own, and you don’t want to share it with stupid people just like me. I know you’ll be better off without me. You’ll be happy of my non-existence. I’m happy for you…even if I’m not part of that happiness.

Nothing i can do. GOODBYE.

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E.M.O.

Just after wathching the video, i remembered that…

__________

I’ve always tried to show what i really feel. But i steel feel like i’m wearing a mask. It’s an involuntary thing that i smile or laugh when I’m sad or angry. Besides, i cry when i’m angry.

__________

Until now, i still don’t know what’s the purpose of my life. Thus, i don’t know what i’m doing this things in my life. I don’t know why i cry, laugh, love, toil, pout, shout, study, sleep, eat, WRITE, etc. (of course i do all of these because it’s necessary for my life, but there must be a deeper and more profound reason why i should live). For many people, writing has a purpose, maybe they want to point something and worse…change the world through writing (no offense guys). I envy them.. Buti pa sila may dahilan kung bakit… Maybe i just write just to vent emotional magma so i can relieve emotional pains.

__________

 

Candles

The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don’t really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Couldn’t finish what you started
Only darkness still remains

Lost sight
Couldn’t see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

Been black and blue before
There’s no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback’s such a waste
You’re invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face

Lost sight
Couldn’t see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

One day
You will wake up
With nothing but “you’re sorrys”
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

_______

I won’t make this one lengthy. It just stroke my heart because i can somehow relate to this song though the song is quite different from my situation. I can still feel the message and listening to it over and over again makes me realize that it has connection though.

This song is about how a relationship is finally getting some closure and one is finally ready to move on. “Paybacks such a waste” is basically saying, I’m tired of all the drama so I’m not even going to get back at you for what you did to me.

I don’t know why I’m so vulnerable. Even how many times i try to move on, i can always feel the pain. Even if we haven’t been’ together’, I’m still hoping that at the very end, we’ll be together because we are the one destined for each other.

After hearing the song from the first time, realized that i should move on. There is always a better person to love, a better place to be, a better life to live. However, i still can’t find a way to do this. It’s inscribed in my heart that i will love her till i die.

So now, the ‘drama’ is not yet over, I’ll still live in the dark, I’ll blow the CANDLES out. I won’t erase the memory of her face. I’m sooooo happy to feel the pain she’ve done even if it kills me. I’ll remain the same (only at this point).

The stress you caused me is enough to kill me… But I’ll be happy to die loving you.

so sweet

It was quite overwhelming to hear from others that they like me. It’s very heartwarming to know that you are special for them. In the midst of something so sad, they stand beside you to cheer you up. Even though the sad feelings can’t go away, it means a lot for us to know that they are there for us.

But we should also beware of our friends. Since you kinda love them, they can also hurt your feelings. And in turn, we also hurt them. We are not aware of this but it’s true. There’s always a  big question on “why do we always hurt the one we love?”.

Another thing, friends do come and go. You can be friends for a long time and then, one day, they’re gone. You can’t blame them because they also have other friends. And there will came a time that they will neglect you. So is it really true that friendship is forever? What stands true forever is “Nothing in this world is permanent”.

I can aways hear from others thatno man is an island. As i can see, everyone can live alone, they’re just afraid to. It’s just a feeling from us that we can’t because we are so scared to live alone. It feels good if we have company though. But still “Every man is an Island”.

Me? It’s alright for me if i live alone. I am used to loneliness. It’s also okey for me if i had tons of friends. But i really need a friend that will stand at my side forever.

Right now, there are persons that say that they are my friends. Yes, they are. But i’m afraid that they will go away someday. (There’s no hierarchy here or whatever, all of them are equal)

Siongky – This dude is really awesome. He’s my classmate since first year college. He’s my best friend in school. When i’m sad, even if i’m so shy to tell it to him, i just fool around with him. I feel so crazy when we’re together. He’s really great because he helps me a lot an ordinary friend can’t do. He’s also so much in-love with charity. That’s why everybody likes him.

Camille – She’s Siongky’s girl-friend…Hehe…friend that is a girl. She’s a San Lorenzo (working) scholar. She’s assigned at the serials section of the UST main library. She has been my PEmate when i was in first year college. She’s also my classmate in NSTP (CWTS). She’s good to me even if sometimes she’s cruel. She gave me Criselle’s cellphone number.

Criselle – I’ve still known little about her. She’s a Santo Tomas (full ) scholar. We’re still strangers to each other but she showed kindness to me. She believes that i’m a good person though i’m not. Haha. She’s also sweet. I haven’t tasted her but she’s so sweet.

Ate Dimple – She’s my cuz’s classmate. She helps me whenever i have a problem. She gave me advice. She’s the one who talks to me whenever she sees me alone at school.

Karlo – He’s my former classmate. But we we’re reshuffled. Anyhow, he became a good companion.

Kat – She’s also a scholar. She’s working at the social science section of the UST main library. She has done so many favors for me. I really appreciate her effort.

Kuya Mikko – He is a third year political science student. He always sought advice to me about heart problems even if i’m not doctor love. Well, i think i kinda helped him. So in turn, he also give his advice whenever i have problems.

What i really want is friendship that lasts forever and will stand the test of time. I don’t want them to go like anybody else does. But if they leave me, if that makes them happy, i’ll just be happy for them.

These are some friends that i have right now (if they also consider me friend). I know that there are still more people that consider me a friend. So if you think that you must be included here, feel free to contact/notify me. Or you can leave a comment on this post. Thank you. 🙂

stupid

The guy in the video is so stupid. We can’t blame him because we are also like that. We look away whenever what we’re searching for is in front of us.

Whenever someone (whom i don’t like) discloses her feelings for me, i tend to make ‘dedma’ of her feelings. Kunwari hindi ko napapansin, ayaw ko naman kasi sa kanya eh. In return as a karma, whenever i attempt to reveal my feelings for the one i really love, she professed not heard.

Just like Bob Ong said…”Wag kang malungkot kung hindi ka gusto ng taong mahal mo, may mga nagmamahal din naman sayo na hindi mo gusto.” But still it hurts. So what should i do? Love and pain always go hand in hand…Dami talaga alam ni Bob Ong.

Crazy

Frederick, or simply Fred, is in his 4th and last year of studying in a university. He is among those low profile regular students, those students who are very happy to get a final grade of 3.00 in every subject, neither intelligent nor dumb. He’s came from a middle class family. Though not so poor, studying in a university is still a burden for them.

He had so many problems in his life. The most problematic for him is his “face”. He would define his face as “freaky. That’s why his friends call him ‘freak Fred’. However, he always dream of dating beautiful girls. He was so in love with a very beautiful girl, Fleur.

Fleur is Fred’s classmate. She’s the most beautiful girl Fred has ever seen. She had no problem with love because a battalion of crazy suitors keep following her all the time. The only problem with her is that she has never been contented. It may seem impossible to please her.

In school, although they are not so close with each other, they always see and greet each other.

As a very vocal person, Fred asked Fleur a million times just to get her cell number. As soon as he got Fleur’s cell number, he didn’t waist time, he asked her on a date at a time. Fleur, quite woozy, agreed on Fred’s proposal.

On the day of their date, Fred gave Fleur a bouquet of flowers, chocolates, teddy bear, etc. Not to mention that the expense came from Fred’s lifetime savings. Fleur thanked him, however in her mind, she like to throw those gifts away in his face.

The date has gone smoothly. They watched a movie where Fleur just slept on, they ate on a high class restaurant where Fleur almost ordered everything but didn’t ate.

After the date when they are about to part ways, Fred begged Fleur if she could gave him a chance. He begged her that even if she has so many BFs, he is still willing to become one of them. He will be the happiest person to be with her even if she’ll doesn’t show any love for him. Even if she won’t treat him seriously and nicely, he still wants her to be his girlfriend. Even if he knows that she’ll play with his heart, he will still love her. Miraculously, Fleur took pity on him.

As days go by, Fleur was still unhappy with Fred being one of her boyfriends. She’s so shy that she can’t tell Fred the truth that she want to broke-up with him. Until one time, she cannot bear the sufferings anymore. She treats Fred so much with distaste. She planned to drive him to break-up with him ASAP, or else she’ll dump him. She did her best to hurt Fred. Fred, being such a dumb, didn’t mind the pain that he feels with Fleur. Fleur can’t take it anymore so she made it up to him that she want to end their relationship. She said so many bad words to him to drive him away.

That was saddest part of Fred’s life.

One day, while Fleur is driving, an accident happened. Her car crashed by a truck driven by a drunk driver. The accident happened in a crowded place so she was rushed to the hospital immediately. Her condition was reported to her family. So the family then rushed to the hospital where she has been confined.

The doctor’s findings was awful. One of Fleur’s vital organs has been so much damaged. Fleur will certainly die soon if her heart has not been replaced.

…………

After 3 days, Fleur woke up! She still doesn’t feel well but she can remember everything. Her family and doctor told her what her condition was. She might have died. But one big question filled her mind, who gave her this heart? No one answered her question.

She then saw a letter stuck in her pillow. She opened it, then read it. To her surprise, the letter was from Fred saying that:

“I don’t know how to please you and i don’t have anything to give. I love you.”

After reading that simple letter, she cried. She now realized that the one that she thought that will be the reason of her death, gave her life. The one that she despised, gave her love. The heart that loves her so much is now a part of her. The heart that she broke, became her heart that will sustain her own life…

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